Over it all

At the end of my rope. No more patience, not enough support. Always frustrated, always broke, always home all day long with no one to talk to. Tired of not being good enough, doing enough or having given up enough. Hate my fucking life except for my kids. They are the only non regrets I have. I want out, want to start over...and can't. 

Deformed and Deflated

Another of day of being alone. Another day of cleaning, taking care of the baby and watching tv. Alone with the thoughts and feelings i wish I could just ignore.
I feel deformed. I feel ugly. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I'm tired. Today I can't see a silver lining. I have months of chemo to look forward to, being poked and prodded every friggin week. My hair is going to fall out. My face is broken out, maybe from stress, maybe from medication; who cares, it's just bad.

Hubby says I need a hobby; painting, models, writing, growing, something to occupy my time. What i need is to get out of the goddamn house. But I can't do that now. He got a new job, further away and we are down to one vehicle. So now I have to look forward to my chemo and fluids sessions; that'll give me a few hours out. Stuck in a f***ing chair but out of the house. I hate this so much. I miss having friends to visit, to hang out with, to talk to face to face. I feel like I'm stuck on that damn mountain in the Catskills all over again.

WHY.

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
- Carl Jung 

6 weeks

It's been six weeks since my physically altering surgery. And a few days since chemo started which I already hate! It takes so much from you! I feel sick all the time and achey and just yuck. I feel bad for everyone who has to put up with my miserable ass. Nobody deserves to have to deal with me like this :(

Cut me again

Tomorrow is the surgery for the Venous Port needed for chemo. I'm already tired of being poked and prodded and stuck and cut. So many risks to take for procedures to 'save my life'. I'm terrified with every pending appt, every blood draw, every conversation. I don't want this goddamn port. I don't want chemo, I don't want radiation and I certainly don't want to freakin have needles stuck in my chest just so I can have breasts again to feel like a woman. I cry so much I hate it.

Mistakes and misconceptions

So I've been slacking in a big way since the surgery. I didn't think I NEEDED to do this. I can handle it all on my own...yeah some big bullshit has come out of me handling things all on my own. Everybody says ask for whatever you need, accept the help youre offered. Except that is so not my strong suit. I don't know how to do that.

It's been an uncomfortable, sometimes very painful recovery process. My chest aches constantly, sometimes pretty badly. I'm doing my best to get back to 'normal' ( whatever the hell that means) probably more quickly than I should. Bu I hate being a burden, hate disrupting every body. I want the kids to be kids and do their thing, not have to do all my stuff all the time. And my husband has been great but it seems like since I finally got those pesky and annoying drainage tubes out ( friggin OUCH btw) he thinks everything is back to what it was like before surgery. **sigh**

Next week Dr Shutte wants to start filling the expanders... Needles = yuck.
Then I have surgery to implant the Venus port (vein catheter for chemo) and then we start chemo. Once every 2 weeks for 4 rounds then once a week for 12 weeks... I'm being told its more than likely going to kick my butt bug time, that I'm looking at a few rough days in this whole process. My husband proceeds to tell me it's all in my mind how I decide to be- its my choice whether to be bitchy or not. Which I know that's true to a point. But I cant predict how my body will or won't react to the chemo. I'm going to do my very best to smile through it all but am I not allowed to have a bad day or miserable mood?
I hate this. Why me. FML

I miss my mom. I wish she was here to help me through this. I know it wouldn't make what I'm going through any different but I could handle it so much better if she were here. I know she was with me in surgery and that she's with me all the time but I want to see her and talk to her...

I want to be with my family and my friends. I feel so alone with this every day; I know I have Bill and the kids but as much time as I spend alone, I get so depressed some days. The baby is all that keeps me going. What happens if I hit a day that she's not enough to keep me going?

Wow

So as soon as they take out these f'n tubes I think I could deal a little better. I have eight different kinds of pills both script and not to take at various times through the day. I'm bored and I'm annoyed and I just want to move on already.
I couldn't look when they unwrapped me to look things over. I had Bill video tape it. I looked at it later that day. And haven't looked since

Screw this

I hate this. I'm so angry that everyone's life has to change because of my shit. Im lucky I can use the bathroom without help. Jack is so frustrated with having to help and just told me he wants to go live with his dad. I feel so bad and Luke such a burden.
And no I don't want to talk about it!! Don't tell me everything is going to be ok and don't feel bad and it's not my fault... Don't tell me how to feel!! I'm supposed to be taking care of my family not the other way around! Cancer is such bullshit!!
I cut my hair off yesterday, thinking it would be easier and wth I'm gonna start losing it in a month anyway...
Wrong! I feel worse, it looks terrible and I look like such a slob. I just want to sleep for a week
Definitely not one of my better days

Home

I survived surgery. I'm home, uncomfortable and still slightly disoriented but I'm home.
There are 4 prescription and 4 over the counter pills I take everyday, some up to 4x a day.
And my breasts are gone. That's kind of hard. I don't know what to think or how to feel.
I'm just home.

Stuck in my head

There's this THING in my body, it's invading space it has no right to be taking and I'm pissed off! I want it out! It's causing me stress and aggravation and that's only the beginning. But I want it out so badly I'm willing to remove part of my body to get rid of it...
I'm not so much pissed that I have to go through this- I'm pretty much resolved to a fight. I'm thoroughly pissed off that I have to put my family through this. Haven't my kids dealt with enough?? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Is that all this is? A freakin test?? Because I've had my fair share of those too. I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate that I have to put the ones I love through this. I wanna scream and cry and punch things.
But I can't. Because as usual, I have to be strong for everyone else.

Reflections and Anticipations

"Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

No I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin me down
gonna stand my ground
... and I won't back down"

Happy New Year! So many people have said 'good riddance 2011-it sucked!'. But really, how was it worse than any other year? Has any year gone by that some issue has come up that caused stress or bad feelings? Life isn't perfect; that's something we all have learned.
My 2011? I gave birth to the last baby I will ever carry. She is perfect. As are all my kids :). I've been blessed and I am thankful for them.
I found my stepson. That was big because he and his dad didn't ever get the chance to know each other before. And so our family grew- we met 'our' oldest, his wonderful wife and 2 beautiful sons. I'm a grandma by marriage LOL.
I've become reacquainted with people who were part of my life many years ago. It's been great. I've also found out who my friends and true family are... And aren't. That's liberating an heartbreaking all at once. But it's necessary, because then you know who will be there for you and who you need to just cut loose. Life is way too short to waste your time.
A quick note to those of you who say 'Life isn't short! It's long and hard!' I say you are wrong. The thing about life ; when you're young, you think you have forever. But let me tell you it goes by so much faster than you could ever imagine. And you just never know how long you really have.
So, back to last year. We left Gillette. That was fantastic and scary all at the same time. I absolutely hated Gillette. But I miss some people that became part of our family while we were there.
And in October...I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Seriously?? I'm too young for this shit. But then maybe that will work to my advantage. I need to be strong to deal with this. But that's another post...
I am thankful to be in Fort Collins where we have Dr's and Specialists and Surgeons who know what they're doing. Doesn't make it less scary though.
So I anticipate this year starting out rough as hell but getting progressively better. I have my family and some really good,true friends to be thankful for; they'll help get me through this. The rest is hard work and determination. This year is going to be different. And better. Because I said so.