Deformed and Deflated

Another of day of being alone. Another day of cleaning, taking care of the baby and watching tv. Alone with the thoughts and feelings i wish I could just ignore.
I feel deformed. I feel ugly. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I'm tired. Today I can't see a silver lining. I have months of chemo to look forward to, being poked and prodded every friggin week. My hair is going to fall out. My face is broken out, maybe from stress, maybe from medication; who cares, it's just bad.

Hubby says I need a hobby; painting, models, writing, growing, something to occupy my time. What i need is to get out of the goddamn house. But I can't do that now. He got a new job, further away and we are down to one vehicle. So now I have to look forward to my chemo and fluids sessions; that'll give me a few hours out. Stuck in a f***ing chair but out of the house. I hate this so much. I miss having friends to visit, to hang out with, to talk to face to face. I feel like I'm stuck on that damn mountain in the Catskills all over again.

WHY.

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
- Carl Jung