Mistakes and misconceptions

So I've been slacking in a big way since the surgery. I didn't think I NEEDED to do this. I can handle it all on my own...yeah some big bullshit has come out of me handling things all on my own. Everybody says ask for whatever you need, accept the help youre offered. Except that is so not my strong suit. I don't know how to do that.

It's been an uncomfortable, sometimes very painful recovery process. My chest aches constantly, sometimes pretty badly. I'm doing my best to get back to 'normal' ( whatever the hell that means) probably more quickly than I should. Bu I hate being a burden, hate disrupting every body. I want the kids to be kids and do their thing, not have to do all my stuff all the time. And my husband has been great but it seems like since I finally got those pesky and annoying drainage tubes out ( friggin OUCH btw) he thinks everything is back to what it was like before surgery. **sigh**

Next week Dr Shutte wants to start filling the expanders... Needles = yuck.
Then I have surgery to implant the Venus port (vein catheter for chemo) and then we start chemo. Once every 2 weeks for 4 rounds then once a week for 12 weeks... I'm being told its more than likely going to kick my butt bug time, that I'm looking at a few rough days in this whole process. My husband proceeds to tell me it's all in my mind how I decide to be- its my choice whether to be bitchy or not. Which I know that's true to a point. But I cant predict how my body will or won't react to the chemo. I'm going to do my very best to smile through it all but am I not allowed to have a bad day or miserable mood?
I hate this. Why me. FML

I miss my mom. I wish she was here to help me through this. I know it wouldn't make what I'm going through any different but I could handle it so much better if she were here. I know she was with me in surgery and that she's with me all the time but I want to see her and talk to her...

I want to be with my family and my friends. I feel so alone with this every day; I know I have Bill and the kids but as much time as I spend alone, I get so depressed some days. The baby is all that keeps me going. What happens if I hit a day that she's not enough to keep me going?