Over it all

At the end of my rope. No more patience, not enough support. Always frustrated, always broke, always home all day long with no one to talk to. Tired of not being good enough, doing enough or having given up enough. Hate my fucking life except for my kids. They are the only non regrets I have. I want out, want to start over...and can't. 

Deformed and Deflated

Another of day of being alone. Another day of cleaning, taking care of the baby and watching tv. Alone with the thoughts and feelings i wish I could just ignore.
I feel deformed. I feel ugly. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I'm tired. Today I can't see a silver lining. I have months of chemo to look forward to, being poked and prodded every friggin week. My hair is going to fall out. My face is broken out, maybe from stress, maybe from medication; who cares, it's just bad.

Hubby says I need a hobby; painting, models, writing, growing, something to occupy my time. What i need is to get out of the goddamn house. But I can't do that now. He got a new job, further away and we are down to one vehicle. So now I have to look forward to my chemo and fluids sessions; that'll give me a few hours out. Stuck in a f***ing chair but out of the house. I hate this so much. I miss having friends to visit, to hang out with, to talk to face to face. I feel like I'm stuck on that damn mountain in the Catskills all over again.

WHY.

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
- Carl Jung 

6 weeks

It's been six weeks since my physically altering surgery. And a few days since chemo started which I already hate! It takes so much from you! I feel sick all the time and achey and just yuck. I feel bad for everyone who has to put up with my miserable ass. Nobody deserves to have to deal with me like this :(

Cut me again

Tomorrow is the surgery for the Venous Port needed for chemo. I'm already tired of being poked and prodded and stuck and cut. So many risks to take for procedures to 'save my life'. I'm terrified with every pending appt, every blood draw, every conversation. I don't want this goddamn port. I don't want chemo, I don't want radiation and I certainly don't want to freakin have needles stuck in my chest just so I can have breasts again to feel like a woman. I cry so much I hate it.

Mistakes and misconceptions

So I've been slacking in a big way since the surgery. I didn't think I NEEDED to do this. I can handle it all on my own...yeah some big bullshit has come out of me handling things all on my own. Everybody says ask for whatever you need, accept the help youre offered. Except that is so not my strong suit. I don't know how to do that.

It's been an uncomfortable, sometimes very painful recovery process. My chest aches constantly, sometimes pretty badly. I'm doing my best to get back to 'normal' ( whatever the hell that means) probably more quickly than I should. Bu I hate being a burden, hate disrupting every body. I want the kids to be kids and do their thing, not have to do all my stuff all the time. And my husband has been great but it seems like since I finally got those pesky and annoying drainage tubes out ( friggin OUCH btw) he thinks everything is back to what it was like before surgery. **sigh**

Next week Dr Shutte wants to start filling the expanders... Needles = yuck.
Then I have surgery to implant the Venus port (vein catheter for chemo) and then we start chemo. Once every 2 weeks for 4 rounds then once a week for 12 weeks... I'm being told its more than likely going to kick my butt bug time, that I'm looking at a few rough days in this whole process. My husband proceeds to tell me it's all in my mind how I decide to be- its my choice whether to be bitchy or not. Which I know that's true to a point. But I cant predict how my body will or won't react to the chemo. I'm going to do my very best to smile through it all but am I not allowed to have a bad day or miserable mood?
I hate this. Why me. FML

I miss my mom. I wish she was here to help me through this. I know it wouldn't make what I'm going through any different but I could handle it so much better if she were here. I know she was with me in surgery and that she's with me all the time but I want to see her and talk to her...

I want to be with my family and my friends. I feel so alone with this every day; I know I have Bill and the kids but as much time as I spend alone, I get so depressed some days. The baby is all that keeps me going. What happens if I hit a day that she's not enough to keep me going?

Wow

So as soon as they take out these f'n tubes I think I could deal a little better. I have eight different kinds of pills both script and not to take at various times through the day. I'm bored and I'm annoyed and I just want to move on already.
I couldn't look when they unwrapped me to look things over. I had Bill video tape it. I looked at it later that day. And haven't looked since

Screw this

I hate this. I'm so angry that everyone's life has to change because of my shit. Im lucky I can use the bathroom without help. Jack is so frustrated with having to help and just told me he wants to go live with his dad. I feel so bad and Luke such a burden.
And no I don't want to talk about it!! Don't tell me everything is going to be ok and don't feel bad and it's not my fault... Don't tell me how to feel!! I'm supposed to be taking care of my family not the other way around! Cancer is such bullshit!!
I cut my hair off yesterday, thinking it would be easier and wth I'm gonna start losing it in a month anyway...
Wrong! I feel worse, it looks terrible and I look like such a slob. I just want to sleep for a week
Definitely not one of my better days