Wow

So as soon as they take out these f'n tubes I think I could deal a little better. I have eight different kinds of pills both script and not to take at various times through the day. I'm bored and I'm annoyed and I just want to move on already.
I couldn't look when they unwrapped me to look things over. I had Bill video tape it. I looked at it later that day. And haven't looked since

Screw this

I hate this. I'm so angry that everyone's life has to change because of my shit. Im lucky I can use the bathroom without help. Jack is so frustrated with having to help and just told me he wants to go live with his dad. I feel so bad and Luke such a burden.
And no I don't want to talk about it!! Don't tell me everything is going to be ok and don't feel bad and it's not my fault... Don't tell me how to feel!! I'm supposed to be taking care of my family not the other way around! Cancer is such bullshit!!
I cut my hair off yesterday, thinking it would be easier and wth I'm gonna start losing it in a month anyway...
Wrong! I feel worse, it looks terrible and I look like such a slob. I just want to sleep for a week
Definitely not one of my better days

Home

I survived surgery. I'm home, uncomfortable and still slightly disoriented but I'm home.
There are 4 prescription and 4 over the counter pills I take everyday, some up to 4x a day.
And my breasts are gone. That's kind of hard. I don't know what to think or how to feel.
I'm just home.

Stuck in my head

There's this THING in my body, it's invading space it has no right to be taking and I'm pissed off! I want it out! It's causing me stress and aggravation and that's only the beginning. But I want it out so badly I'm willing to remove part of my body to get rid of it...
I'm not so much pissed that I have to go through this- I'm pretty much resolved to a fight. I'm thoroughly pissed off that I have to put my family through this. Haven't my kids dealt with enough?? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Is that all this is? A freakin test?? Because I've had my fair share of those too. I hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate that I have to put the ones I love through this. I wanna scream and cry and punch things.
But I can't. Because as usual, I have to be strong for everyone else.

Reflections and Anticipations

"Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

No I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin me down
gonna stand my ground
... and I won't back down"

Happy New Year! So many people have said 'good riddance 2011-it sucked!'. But really, how was it worse than any other year? Has any year gone by that some issue has come up that caused stress or bad feelings? Life isn't perfect; that's something we all have learned.
My 2011? I gave birth to the last baby I will ever carry. She is perfect. As are all my kids :). I've been blessed and I am thankful for them.
I found my stepson. That was big because he and his dad didn't ever get the chance to know each other before. And so our family grew- we met 'our' oldest, his wonderful wife and 2 beautiful sons. I'm a grandma by marriage LOL.
I've become reacquainted with people who were part of my life many years ago. It's been great. I've also found out who my friends and true family are... And aren't. That's liberating an heartbreaking all at once. But it's necessary, because then you know who will be there for you and who you need to just cut loose. Life is way too short to waste your time.
A quick note to those of you who say 'Life isn't short! It's long and hard!' I say you are wrong. The thing about life ; when you're young, you think you have forever. But let me tell you it goes by so much faster than you could ever imagine. And you just never know how long you really have.
So, back to last year. We left Gillette. That was fantastic and scary all at the same time. I absolutely hated Gillette. But I miss some people that became part of our family while we were there.
And in October...I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Seriously?? I'm too young for this shit. But then maybe that will work to my advantage. I need to be strong to deal with this. But that's another post...
I am thankful to be in Fort Collins where we have Dr's and Specialists and Surgeons who know what they're doing. Doesn't make it less scary though.
So I anticipate this year starting out rough as hell but getting progressively better. I have my family and some really good,true friends to be thankful for; they'll help get me through this. The rest is hard work and determination. This year is going to be different. And better. Because I said so.