The Rollercoaster of time

     Everyday I wake up, my mind is clear for just a little while. The baby's smile in the morning is sweet and that's where my focus lies. The older kids are already off to school. I change the baby, make a bottle and a cup of coffee, grab all 3 and my phone and relax in the living room. Feed the baby, sip my coffee, check my facebook and my email.
     Then I catch the date and immediately my mind wanders to calculate how many days until...Surgery terrifies me. The only one I've ever had was the c-section that brought the youngest into the world. What if something goes wrong? What happens to my kids if something happens to me? The simple answer of course, is that they stay with their dads. But I don't want to separate my kids! The need to be together, need to be there for each other. I have family that have stepped up to say they'll be there, but then there will be legalities... I don't know what to do.
     I know, in my heart, once the surgery is over, I WILL BE FINE. I will fight this. It's not going to take me. They it's very good odds of beating this once they remove the cancer and take away it's opportunity to return.(Note to self; ask what they expect exactly from this) See, if I don't do the bi-lateral, there an 86% recurrence rate. Doing it reduces that to 1% or less. Then I do chemo and radiation. Then we continue the reconstruction process.

     I'm actually looking forward to part of this. I've wanted to have smaller breasts since i was 15. No more XL tshirts, uncomfortable bras and an aching back and shoulders. The plastic surgeon was almost hesitant to  tell me we couldn't go back to what i am now and I laughed. No worries Doc! You just make 'em look good. Hey, another plus? At 42 yrs old, they're gonna be back where they're supposed to be!
Another plus? Well, if everything goes right, I won't have breast cancer anymore and I'll be around to watch the kids grow up.
     The baby calls!