I have never felt so not in control in my entire life. I mean, I can fight this. I'm going to fight this. I have to. No questions. I can't just wish it away. I can't change it like making a decision- "I'm going to wake up tomorrow and not have cancer anymore because I don't want to." Talk about having your choices minimized.
Sure, I don't have to do the things they want me to. But if I want to live I don't really have that choice. Doesn't that sound incredibly dramatic? In my head it sounds like a dramatically cheesy line in a b-movie.
The out of control part is the anxiety and stress over this whole thing. I've never felt such deep guilt before and I KNOW this isnt my fault. But the fact that I could pass this on to my kids? Again with the minimal choices too- they could choose to ignore all this and not make sure they take better than average care of themselves OR they can realize that they could be pro-longing their lives if they take a more pre-cautionary approach. They are 15 and 12 they should not have to be thinking like this.
Bill has been different lately. Ask me all the time how am I doing, how is my day going. And he's actually reading some of the literature they sent me home with.
I know I'm an absolute nut case (in my own head). My mind does not stop. As I sit and type here, I can't keep on track because I get so lost in my thoughts. I try to sit down every time my mind get a long -enough process going that I stay on one subject.
LOL Doesn't happen often.
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