As I sit here with the baby sleeping on my chest, I can't help feeling sad. I know how much she depends on me and the next month is going to be rough (on us all). Debbie is such a momma's girl :). Everyone else takes great care of her but she has her 'nobody but mom' times. I won't be able to pick her up for a few weeks and won't even be able to hold her, although that's hopefully only a few days.
The closer we get, the more anxious I get. I don't want to put everybody through this!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Just Another Day
I want to be positive about this whiling thing. Maybe I will be once the operation is over. I just can't get my head past it. The waiting seems endless. 17 days and a wake up.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Life doesn't always go the way we think it should
I have never felt so not in control in my entire life. I mean, I can fight this. I'm going to fight this. I have to. No questions. I can't just wish it away. I can't change it like making a decision- "I'm going to wake up tomorrow and not have cancer anymore because I don't want to." Talk about having your choices minimized.
Sure, I don't have to do the things they want me to. But if I want to live I don't really have that choice. Doesn't that sound incredibly dramatic? In my head it sounds like a dramatically cheesy line in a b-movie.
The out of control part is the anxiety and stress over this whole thing. I've never felt such deep guilt before and I KNOW this isnt my fault. But the fact that I could pass this on to my kids? Again with the minimal choices too- they could choose to ignore all this and not make sure they take better than average care of themselves OR they can realize that they could be pro-longing their lives if they take a more pre-cautionary approach. They are 15 and 12 they should not have to be thinking like this.
Bill has been different lately. Ask me all the time how am I doing, how is my day going. And he's actually reading some of the literature they sent me home with.
I know I'm an absolute nut case (in my own head). My mind does not stop. As I sit and type here, I can't keep on track because I get so lost in my thoughts. I try to sit down every time my mind get a long -enough process going that I stay on one subject.
LOL Doesn't happen often.
Sure, I don't have to do the things they want me to. But if I want to live I don't really have that choice. Doesn't that sound incredibly dramatic? In my head it sounds like a dramatically cheesy line in a b-movie.
The out of control part is the anxiety and stress over this whole thing. I've never felt such deep guilt before and I KNOW this isnt my fault. But the fact that I could pass this on to my kids? Again with the minimal choices too- they could choose to ignore all this and not make sure they take better than average care of themselves OR they can realize that they could be pro-longing their lives if they take a more pre-cautionary approach. They are 15 and 12 they should not have to be thinking like this.
Bill has been different lately. Ask me all the time how am I doing, how is my day going. And he's actually reading some of the literature they sent me home with.
I know I'm an absolute nut case (in my own head). My mind does not stop. As I sit and type here, I can't keep on track because I get so lost in my thoughts. I try to sit down every time my mind get a long -enough process going that I stay on one subject.
LOL Doesn't happen often.
Friday, December 16, 2011
I seriously have been thinking about going 'home'. This isn't home to me. It's where my husband wants to live. And I'm supposed to want to be wherever he is, right? Being about to go through all that I am (still not quite reality) I want to be around friends and whats left of my family. I know NO ONE here in Colorado. My husband's solution? Bring his brother out to 'help'. My issue with this? I barely know his brother, we met once when Bill's mom and 2 of his brothers came to Florida for the wedding. I can't make Bill see I am not comfortable with his brother coming out to help care for me and the baby. I want to be around people I know. Am I being selfish? I don't want to be.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The Rollercoaster of time
Everyday I wake up, my mind is clear for just a little while. The baby's smile in the morning is sweet and that's where my focus lies. The older kids are already off to school. I change the baby, make a bottle and a cup of coffee, grab all 3 and my phone and relax in the living room. Feed the baby, sip my coffee, check my facebook and my email.
Then I catch the date and immediately my mind wanders to calculate how many days until...Surgery terrifies me. The only one I've ever had was the c-section that brought the youngest into the world. What if something goes wrong? What happens to my kids if something happens to me? The simple answer of course, is that they stay with their dads. But I don't want to separate my kids! The need to be together, need to be there for each other. I have family that have stepped up to say they'll be there, but then there will be legalities... I don't know what to do.
I know, in my heart, once the surgery is over, I WILL BE FINE. I will fight this. It's not going to take me. They it's very good odds of beating this once they remove the cancer and take away it's opportunity to return.(Note to self; ask what they expect exactly from this) See, if I don't do the bi-lateral, there an 86% recurrence rate. Doing it reduces that to 1% or less. Then I do chemo and radiation. Then we continue the reconstruction process.
I'm actually looking forward to part of this. I've wanted to have smaller breasts since i was 15. No more XL tshirts, uncomfortable bras and an aching back and shoulders. The plastic surgeon was almost hesitant to tell me we couldn't go back to what i am now and I laughed. No worries Doc! You just make 'em look good. Hey, another plus? At 42 yrs old, they're gonna be back where they're supposed to be!
Another plus? Well, if everything goes right, I won't have breast cancer anymore and I'll be around to watch the kids grow up.
The baby calls!
Then I catch the date and immediately my mind wanders to calculate how many days until...Surgery terrifies me. The only one I've ever had was the c-section that brought the youngest into the world. What if something goes wrong? What happens to my kids if something happens to me? The simple answer of course, is that they stay with their dads. But I don't want to separate my kids! The need to be together, need to be there for each other. I have family that have stepped up to say they'll be there, but then there will be legalities... I don't know what to do.
I know, in my heart, once the surgery is over, I WILL BE FINE. I will fight this. It's not going to take me. They it's very good odds of beating this once they remove the cancer and take away it's opportunity to return.(Note to self; ask what they expect exactly from this) See, if I don't do the bi-lateral, there an 86% recurrence rate. Doing it reduces that to 1% or less. Then I do chemo and radiation. Then we continue the reconstruction process.
Another plus? Well, if everything goes right, I won't have breast cancer anymore and I'll be around to watch the kids grow up.
The baby calls!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Deep Sigh
g &nbp;I am 41 yrs old. I have 3 biological children- my oldest daughter is 15, my son is 12 and my youngest daughter is just 9 months. I also have a 26 year old step-son and 2 grandsons with that.
So we found a lump. And I went in September 27th and had a breast exam. The Dr. was nice. She suggested a mammogram & ultrasound. Those happened September 29th. That Dr. wasn't comfortable with what she saw so then biopsies October 10th... they had found more than 1 lump. There was also something in the lymph node under my right arm. The Dr. who performed the biopsies was amazing!! I didn't feel a thing. I can actually say that about all the medical staff I've been in contact with so far. I've been very lucky; they've all been great at what they do and had wonderful 'bedside' manners. Which is good, especially for the ones who come at me with needles, for blood, biopsies, what have you. I really hate needles.
October 12,2011 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's ER+, PR+ which means it responds to hormone therapies... a good thing. It's also HER2 which is more aggressive...not such a good thing.Also, it's matastatic (spread from its origin, the lymph node thing)My husband was out of town on business. He cut his trip short and almost literally flew home. No, there was nothing he could do. Just to be with me and the kids.
Next the MRI's...one for breast and one for brain. Well, there was a wait for those. Somebody didn't submit the request to medicaid. (As much as I hate to take help from the state, right now that's the position we're in and all I can say is how incredibly grateful I am for it) After I realized I was waiting entirely too long for the appointments, I started making phone calls. At least when we resolved the issue things happened quickly.
I've heard stories of MRI's and while it wasn't as bad as some of the worst I've heard, it's not exactly a relaxing river raft ride either. I've never been claustrophobic but I can certainly see where those damn machines could cause those feelings! These were on Nov 21st & 28th. I kept my eyes closed, both times. I figured if I didn't see the inside I'd be ok. Needed IV's both times so they could shoot stuff in me to better read the results. Did I mention I hate needles??
So. November 30th, the appt to talk about the MRI results and the options. The brain scan came back clear. The breast scan was good as far as, the lumps weren't any bigger than what the ultrasound showed. I also received the BRCA (blood test) results. I am positive for the hereditary cancer gene. REALLY. Which means my kids have a 50/50 chance of carrying it as well. There's nothing I can do about that, except preventative measures for their futures. Except that with being positive for the gene, my options were limited significantly. Which I guess to a degree isn't all bad. Decision making is easier. The only real actions to be taken... a bi-lateral mastectomy with lymph node removal and later, a complete hysterectomy.
Dec 6 I met my surgeon, the man who will be removing both of my breasts. Nice guy, been doing what he does a very long time. The next day I met my plastic surgeon. That's the 'upside' I guess. Reconstruction will begin immediately following the mastectomy surgery. My humor in all this? I am a 44dd+ and have always wanted a breast reduction. Didn't quite envision this, but what the hell. We discussed his part of the procedures and showed my what the implants will be.
My surgery is set for January 10, 2012. I asked to wait until after Christmas. I don't want to ruin that for the kids and it's the littlest one's 1st.
That's all I can write for now. Feelings will make me bawl and I can't do anymore of that right now~
"The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now." - Bill Cosby
So we found a lump. And I went in September 27th and had a breast exam. The Dr. was nice. She suggested a mammogram & ultrasound. Those happened September 29th. That Dr. wasn't comfortable with what she saw so then biopsies October 10th... they had found more than 1 lump. There was also something in the lymph node under my right arm. The Dr. who performed the biopsies was amazing!! I didn't feel a thing. I can actually say that about all the medical staff I've been in contact with so far. I've been very lucky; they've all been great at what they do and had wonderful 'bedside' manners. Which is good, especially for the ones who come at me with needles, for blood, biopsies, what have you. I really hate needles.
October 12,2011 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's ER+, PR+ which means it responds to hormone therapies... a good thing. It's also HER2 which is more aggressive...not such a good thing.Also, it's matastatic (spread from its origin, the lymph node thing)My husband was out of town on business. He cut his trip short and almost literally flew home. No, there was nothing he could do. Just to be with me and the kids.
Next the MRI's...one for breast and one for brain. Well, there was a wait for those. Somebody didn't submit the request to medicaid. (As much as I hate to take help from the state, right now that's the position we're in and all I can say is how incredibly grateful I am for it) After I realized I was waiting entirely too long for the appointments, I started making phone calls. At least when we resolved the issue things happened quickly.
I've heard stories of MRI's and while it wasn't as bad as some of the worst I've heard, it's not exactly a relaxing river raft ride either. I've never been claustrophobic but I can certainly see where those damn machines could cause those feelings! These were on Nov 21st & 28th. I kept my eyes closed, both times. I figured if I didn't see the inside I'd be ok. Needed IV's both times so they could shoot stuff in me to better read the results. Did I mention I hate needles??
So. November 30th, the appt to talk about the MRI results and the options. The brain scan came back clear. The breast scan was good as far as, the lumps weren't any bigger than what the ultrasound showed. I also received the BRCA (blood test) results. I am positive for the hereditary cancer gene. REALLY. Which means my kids have a 50/50 chance of carrying it as well. There's nothing I can do about that, except preventative measures for their futures. Except that with being positive for the gene, my options were limited significantly. Which I guess to a degree isn't all bad. Decision making is easier. The only real actions to be taken... a bi-lateral mastectomy with lymph node removal and later, a complete hysterectomy.
Dec 6 I met my surgeon, the man who will be removing both of my breasts. Nice guy, been doing what he does a very long time. The next day I met my plastic surgeon. That's the 'upside' I guess. Reconstruction will begin immediately following the mastectomy surgery. My humor in all this? I am a 44dd+ and have always wanted a breast reduction. Didn't quite envision this, but what the hell. We discussed his part of the procedures and showed my what the implants will be.
My surgery is set for January 10, 2012. I asked to wait until after Christmas. I don't want to ruin that for the kids and it's the littlest one's 1st.
That's all I can write for now. Feelings will make me bawl and I can't do anymore of that right now~
"The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now." - Bill Cosby
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